13 Nov Detroit Lions Ask U.S. Government For Bailout
After years of complete ineptitude and dysfunction, the Detroit Lions have asked the federal government to bail the franchise out. Inspired by the government’s bailout of the auto industry in Michigan, owner Martha Firestone Ford now is hoping the same kinda deal can be made.
“Years of reprehensible decisions by this organization over the past 40 seasons has bankrupted this team not of money, but of talent on the field and to be honest, any pride a fan could possibly have. From Wayne Fontes, Jim Schwartz, Bobby Ross, Joey Harrington, Charles Rogers to the maestro of idiocy, Matt Millen, this team and it’s fans has endured the worst of the worst.”
Unlike the auto bailout, Ford is not looking for millions of dollars to give the team a boost to hopefully get it back to football relevancy.
“What we are asking the government to do is to bail us out with 40 draft picks every year for the next ten years. Instead of a human GM that would most certainly miss on each of those picks, we will hire a monkey to randomly point at a name on draft point to make our selections. He or she will be rewarded with a banana for his or her fine work.”
The demands of the bailout did not end there.
“In addition, we are looking for the NFL to spot us 8 wins every year, so even in our 0-16 season, we would have been 8-8. With that successful of a record, our fans would be popping the bubbly and drinking it with a new mouth hole cut in the paper bags they wear every game.”
But there’s one more thing, and it’s a demand thinking long term for the franchise.
“It’s truly unfair that we have to play the Green Bay Packers with Aaron Rodgers at quarterback every season. Their dominance over us will be like this for the foreseeable future. So we would like the U.S. Government to give the Detroit Lions the draft rights to any and all future children that Aaron Rodgers might have to even it out.”
“It is only if all of these requests are granted that this organization will ever reach 10-6.”
The White House nor Congress has yet to issue a statement concerning the Lion’s bailout request.