06 Nov Superman Sends ‘Cease And Desist’ Letter To Cam Newton
It looks like the Man of Steel has more to defend than just the Earth against diabolical plots of destruction…his name. On the steps of Metropolis City Hall, Superman issued a statement to reporters on the latest evil he will have to bring justice to.
“After foiling another attempt by Lex Luther on Saturday evening, I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing Sunday afternoon watching some football. I had a big fantasy matchup against Batman that I needed to win when I caught Cam Newton on the Red Zone Channel doing this weird touchdown celebration.”
“I texted Aquaman asking him what he was doing to which he informed me that that’s his Superman celebration and he refers to himself as Superman.”
“I was so furious upon learning this that I destroyed my new flat screen TV with my heat vision. Superman? Cam Newton? That’s beyond comical to the point it’s insulting. Now if Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady did it, I would let it slide, but when it’s Cam Newton, action must be taken.”
“Everyday I’m doing some pretty superhero stuff. Like last week when I redirected that meteor that was going to hit the planet and destroy humankind. Cam can’t even redirect his offense into an audible against a 3-4 defense with a corner coming on a blitz! There’s a better chance at Krypton returning than of Cam Newton being even close to good enough to call himself Superman.”
“So I called this press conference to inform you that I will be sending a ‘cease and desist’ letter to Mr. Newton to stop with all this ‘faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound’ nonsense. It has to stop. It will stop, because a world where Cam Newton says he is Superman is a very dangerous one.”
As he started to fly away, Superman had one more thing to say.
“If you guys really wanted to see a Superman of football, you should’ve seen this Clark Kent guy at Smallville High in Iowa. That dude was a BEAST! 1st Team All-Conference. Would’ve won State if he didn’t have to leave to go save the world, I mean, get sick, that year.”